Decisions, Decisions.

Today, I found myself mulling over the many possibilities there are for my immediate future. There have been many bumps in the road, and it seems as if I can never make a concrete decision. But in all reality, how is a person supposed to decide what is going to make them happy months from now? Personally, my mind changes on a day-to-day basis. I don't understand how everyone expects a young lady of my caliber to decide on anything at all. Making up my mind is not one of my strong suits.

My point is, I'm quite worried that I'm going to make the wrong decision for myself. Which is strange, because I've been waiting to make decisions for myself for years. And now I suddenly have all the freedom in the world to make choices for myself. Unfortunately, this freedom also comes with the responsibility to make the right decisions.

I think that things will pan out in the end, so I guess I just have to decide the best I can. I know that I think too much, but at the rate these situations are flying at me, there isn't that much time to think.

making restrictions into opportunities.

Lately, I've been sulking over the fact that I will never be able to travel to hot locations, the way I've always wanted to. This is due to my habit of becoming ill whenever I find myself in a place too close to the equator. I really don't mean to - perhaps it's my asthma, or perhaps my body is just too used to Canada's climate. Either way, I need to come to terms with the idea that hot, humid destinations may not be included in my future.

Part of the reason this is disappointing to me, is because traveling is something I feel I've been placed on this earth to do. I'm not quite sure why, but I feel as if I can never do any good in a world that I know nothing about. Traveling is the only way to gain any true knowledge of one's own environment.

Lucky for me, I am not confined to Canada alone. Europe seems to be a hospitable place for my body to be. I think that I will make European destinations my main focus for the next few years of my life. Again, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to accomplish by traipsing around unknown territory, but I won't know until I actually do it, will I?

A free night, with nothing to do in the morning, and yet here I sit. No one around, no party invites, no exciting shenanigans to be had. Even my younger sister has a 'date'. As it turns out, being ill for weeks on end really puts you on the outskirts of any kind of social life. Therefore, there isn't much left to do but write.

It feels as if everyone and everything has changed in my absence. People that were once friends are suddenly not friends anymore. New couples are everywhere. Friends of mine are encountering struggles that I knew nothing about, and others are moving on with their lives in ways I never would have expected. And, among all the changing and confusion, I seem to have been left behind.

I'm not meaning to be bitter towards anyone, please do not take this the wrong way. I simply feel as if I've missed out on the lives of everyone around me, and I am no longer included in this new world that seems to have been formed. Conforming to this new place may prove to be difficult - much like it is tonight.

"Nothing gold can stay."

When things change in a way that you never expected them to, sometimes there are no words.

Sometimes you just have to keep moving, in silence, and wait for it to sink in.

After all, nothing lasts forever.

I'm not ready to make nice.

A good friend once told me, that people will always look out for their best interests first. I didn't want to believe him.

I wanted to believe that everyone was fair-minded. I wanted to think that everyone always does the right thing in the end, and that being a good person wasn't a lost art.

Now, I still believe that people, generally speaking, are good. When it comes down to it, at least. However, I also have come to learn that my friend was right. In most circumstances, a person will look out for themselves before they think about anybody else. This is understandable when it comes to things like plane crashes or track racing. But there are so many other situations in which we have the opportunity to exercise courtesy and kindness. How many of us actually choose to do so?

And what about when it comes to your friends, or your family?

I've really begun to learn to place my trust in others carefully. People are not always going to do right by you, and that's just the awful truth. However, the ones that do come through when it matters most, are the ones worth keeping around. They are the ones to put your trust in, and they are the ones to go out of your way for.

Friendship and love are two-way streets. Don't put your trust into a person who doesn't value it.

Of course, this is all advice that I wish I had given myself at an earlier time. Take from it what you will.

peace&love,

KareBear

dealing.

There is nothing quite like reading a good book. It doesn't have to be an epic tale, written by an award-winning author - 2000 pages of grammatical perfection. It simply has to evoke thought, take you away from everyday life, and make you want to read more. Have you ever known that feeling, when you're completely wrapped up in a book, and then you set it down? You feel a bit dazed, and the obvious facts of reality keep melting in with the fictional details of the story. For a few minutes, things in your own life seem completely distant, and it takes some time to feel the earth beneath your feet again.

I had gone without this feeling for quite some time, now. I'm not sure why I quit reading on a regular basis. Ah well, there's nothing like an illness that binds you to your bed to make you start reading. I finally picked up a novel today. It isn't a well-written one, by any stretch of the imagination. It was just an old teen novel from the 90's, and it was enough to keep me entertained. I flew through it, and I've already reached page 281. I honestly believe that my brain itself missed reading.

I'm slowly getting better. I don't care to recount the details of my illness, but it's easy to guess that it wasn't enjoyable. I'm still quite weak, but I'm getting through. Certain friends, and my family, have been a huge part in helping me recover. I don't know what I would do without them.

Unfortunately, being at home in bed means no rehearsing. As a die-hard drama geek, this has been painful for me. I hate hearing about what I'm missing. I hate NOT hearing what I'm missing. I simply hate missing anything at all. I know it's for the good of my body, but my spirit has definitely drawn the short end of the stick.

I suppose the only thing I have to look forward to right now is recovery. Any and all other events have to be thought of afterwards. It's hard - but I'm thankful it wasn't worse. It could have been. It almost was.

I'm going to try to write more often than this.

Lots of love,

KareBear

I'm miles from where you are.

I have been on this island in the Caribbean for 3 nights now. In all reality, it's the perfect tropical vacation - a small island with a rich culture, hot weather, warm, blue waters, and friendly locals. However, when you have the flu, the beautiful scenery is not enough to distract from the fact that you cannot get out of bed.

The few times I have gotten to explore the island, however, I experienced some great things. I was able to view both the Atlantic Ocean and the Caribbean Sea from up high. I witnessed a ship from the Pirates of the Caribbean movie sailing past as my family and I enjoyed a meal on the beach. I was even able to survive the drivers that behave like maniacs on the opposite side of the road.

I think the best thing that I've seen since I've been here, has got to be the appreciation that the local people have for their land. Although many of them are in poverty, and have no place to store garbage or to enjoy many of our own conveniences, they still appreciate the beauty of their home.

As my sister and i were on the patio, enjoying the sun setting over the water, I noticed many young locals all gathered on the short, stone fence, watching the sunset along with us. They were carrying backpacks; some wearing uniforms, and had apparently all climbed into a vehicle after school to be able to witness the scene. Even though they could see this at any moment in time, they still made an effort to enjoy it whenever they could.

All I could think of when I saw this, was how much I wanted to go on a road trip in my own country once I returned. There is so much of my own backyard that I haven't seen, and don't often appreciate. Being here makes me wonder what they think of us - lazy, over-privileged foreigners? Or do they see us as intriguing, and fortunate for the things we take for granted on a regular basis?

Unfortunately, because of the sickness that strikes me whenever I find myself in a hot destination, I will probably not be coming back to a place like this for a very long time. Therefore, I started thinking of ways that I could make positive changes within my own country, in light of my own realizations.

We, the youth, have more power than we know. Back home, I mean. So why aren't we making efforts to do things that are meaningful to us? Whether it's helping out the homeless, sending aid to third world countries, caring about nature or funding for art programs within the community. Whatever you're passionate about, it's important that we exercise the power that we are so fortunate to hold in our hands.

I'm not sure how this turned into a youth activist spiel, but there you go.

Anyways, I have not been paying enough attention to the Oscars. Goodnight to all.

Peace&love

KareBear