Wow, it's been an incredibly long time since I've posted on here. I apologize for that - things have been crazy and my other blog is best for quick and random blogging. I like to put more thought into this one, which apparently I haven't had the time for. Oh well, I'm here now.

Life has been quite insane. Between intense family issues, education decisions and rocky living arrangements, I haven't had much breathing room. Lately, it's as if I'm making things more complicated for everyone around me, and not the other way around.

Right now I feel as if I'm on a balance beam, trying not to fall to either side. And the worst part of it is the stress it's causing for everyone watching me. I can't seem to stick to a decision or stay on any set path, and I know it can't be easy for others to see.

Usually, I convince myself that everything will be better once I move to Victoria, or once theater starts up again, or whatever else I think will distract me from the more difficult side of things. The problem lies in the realization that there are no quick fixes to the things I'm going through right now. Dealing with issues head-on is the only way to work them out, if only I could get myself to quit with the laziness.

I know that I'm not making much sense right now, but at least it's a bit of a window into where my mind is at. There ya go. I'm not even going to re-read what I just wrote, because then it won't be the raw rant that I mean it to be.

Mind over matter.

This is a strange time. I feel as if I am running behind, on a schedule that life has set out for me. There's so much I'm supposed to be doing, and I have barely taken a step forward, it seems. Perhaps I am selling myself short, but that doesn't change how left behind I'm feeling right now. Everyone I know is moving on to bigger and better things, while I am sitting in the same spot I was last year. It doesn't help, that people that I thought cared about me, don't care all that much after all. It's hard to stay positive when it feels as if the whole world has gotten bored of you, and left.

All that being said, it is an incredibly selfish way to look at things. I should be happy for the people in my life, and supporting them on the paths they are starting down. Don't get me wrong; I am those things. I simply wish I was doing the same, alongside them.

As for those previously mentioned who have seemed to stop caring, they are obviously not worth my thoughts. I know this. It's just easier said than done. Putting them out of my thoughts, I mean. After all, they were in there for a reason.

This is going on both my blogs.

Is 'surreality' a real word?

I’m not really sure how to put my feelings into words right now.

The end of this show marks way too many changes for me - changes that, up until now, I have avoided facing. That is going to change, starting now.

Why should I be sad? Yes, life is incredibly stressful right now. Yes, it’s scary, and everything is coming towards me way too fast. But there isn’t a reason why I can’t be happy in the face of it all.

I learned that today. I learned that there is nothing to gain from dwelling, nothing to gain from complaining, and nothing to lose by being happy. Don’t get me wrong - being sad is something we all need once in a while. It’s a part of life. It only becomes a problem when being sad is all you really know.

People I care about are going their separate ways. My life is changing rapidly. I could either mourn the way things used to be, or I could embrace the things that will come. I need to have faith that I’m strong enough to take it.

So, I plan to take everything in stride, keeping myself grounded. I want to tell everyone how much I care about them as often as possible. And I want to change the effect I have on my own life, as well as everyone else’s, in the most positive way.

This all sounds incredibly idealistic, and I’m aware of this fact. It’s just that I know I am better than the way I am thinking and acting right now. If I can change my attitude for the better, who knows what else I can do?

Wow. It's been a while.

I feel almost guilty, having two separate blogs, but I feel there is some sort of purpose for them. I'm not quite sure what that is, but it'll sort itself out eventually.

Do you ever find yourself wondering what the world would do if you simply refused to comply to it's demands anymore? I found myself wondering that today. What if I were to throw away my cell phone, pack all my things into my car, and simply drive off? What would happen if I were to abandon my job, my community, my responsibilities, and leave everything behind?

And what would I do after that?

Most people would find this idea quite difficult to imagine. The thing is, our world is so enthralled in our own social norms that we don't stop to question whether or not they are natural.

So, question. What does 'true freedom' mean to you?

On the other hand, if we were all to pick up and leave on account of our own selfish whims, the world would be in a sad state. I guess my thoughts are all stemming from the stress of everyday life in modernized North America. It can become quite unbearable at times, especially to those of us who can't quite get used to this kind of life.

You take what you get, and do with it what you can.

Time is making fools of us again.

Here I am, ill again, and in my final week of living at home. It seems almost ironic that I'm sitting here in bed, my mother bringing me chicken noodle soup, when I'm supposedly embarking on the first stretch of my independence. Funny, how I've spent most of my life thinking that I didn't need my parents, and just as I finally have the opportunity to prove it, I realize how much I do need them. I need them very much.

I can't let this turn of events sway me, though; no matter how much I would rather curl up in bed and have my mother tuck me in every night. I believe that reality checks come into play at the most opportune moments, and all this is is a reminder that I'm always going to need my family. Maybe I can take care of myself now, and maybe I'm mature and smart enough to start out on my own. But that doesn't mean I'm all grown up just yet.

Besides, I'm never going to be ready for the real world by sitting around and waiting. It doesn't work that way.

So, hey there, world.

Ready or not, here I come.

City sounds.

I got out of my car late tonight, and listened.

I could hear the awful sounds of sirens, engines, squealing tires - the usual rushing noise of city life. At first, I thought about how much I can't stand the sounds. So industrial and human-polluted; almost numbing.

But then I reconsidered. Those noises? They represent life. People driving to see their friends and families. People building careers. People saving lives. Lives ending, lives beginning.

I always say how much I can't stand the city. But, really, a city is just a crowd of life, gathering in one spot. Despite the pollution, the concrete, and the fences, I could never truly hate a place like that.

19 days.

Graduation is coming up.

I'm not sure if I've ever experienced a feeling as strange as this one.

There's been so many things happening recently, that I haven't stopped to appreciate the huge milestone that I am about to come to in my life. It's bittersweet to consider how these years of schooling have been leading up to this monumental day.

Many other things seem to be coming together as of late, too. Things that seem to have been set into motion long before I was ever aware of them. The people in my life, for example; the friendships I have made in the past year and a bit have formed the person that I am now. The people I surround myself with are my family, and I'm so proud to be able to say that.

Do you ever have the sensation that a certain person was simply meant to be in your life? Do you feel as if you've known them for years, even though you only met them recently? I seem to come across this feeling an awful lot, lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly happy to be meeting these people. It's simply such a peculiar feeling, to feel so close to a person you barely know. Yet, it feels right. I guess only time can answer the questions that form from these situations.

It's been harder to write recently, since I've been so busy. I will try my best to update more regularly from now on, because these next few months are going to be filled with craziness that will need to be read.

All my love and happy vibes,

KareBear