"It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live."

So, life is incredibly unpredictable. The moment I decide that things will be a certain way, something changes and it becomes the complete opposite. I could try to stick to my plan, and attempt to exercise some control over my life. Or, I could go with the belief that I'll only regret the things I didn't do, and therefore go with the flow. Honestly, I'm not sure which way to go with this one.

But I've never been one to let a good thing pass me by.

Set me down in your warm arms.

I finished my first play at about 3:30 this morning. I'm not sure how good it actually is - it has some cheesy comedy, and it's a bit cliché. Still, I think it will do for a high school production. It gives the actors quite a bit of freedom to experiment with their character, which is what high school productions are really about. Learning about acting, I mean. I'm a bit nervous to have other people read my work, simply because I have a complex about being good enough. I think everyone does.

On a very different note, I had some crazy nightmares last night. By the end of it, two close friends of mine had been killed, in horrible ways. The part about them dying wasn't even the worst bit - it was telling my other friends the news. I woke up shaking and in tears, and had to go online to make sure that everyone was okay. The subconscious can do crazy things to a person.

These next couple of weeks are going to be a bit nuts. Auditions, exams, appointments, etc. continue to add themselves to my calender. I'm still exhausted from last week, and I wish I could pause time for a couple days.

Anyways, I guess I should get started.

- Karebear

One foggy night.

The heavy smog

Smothers the city like a blanket.

Memories of times passed

Hidden beneath its layers.

All I've known

Behind curtains of grey

Tonight, just waiting for me

To unveil forgotten meaning.

The mist, it sinks

Lower into the streets and alleys

Crafting a sense of secrecy

In a place we thought we knew.

Many mysteries

This town has kept concealed

It's greatest of all, by far

Was you.

- Karebear

Thanks to Andrea for finding this picture!

With a little help from my friends.

Some people are just naturally awesome. I am lucky enough to be friends with many of these people. These past two nights have reminded me that I'm not alone in the world, the way my self-pity sometimes leads me to believe. Whether it's a quiet night in or a crazy night out, these people make you feel at home wherever you are.
You guys know who you are.
I love you all more than words can say!

Some random thoughts.

I seem to have phases in my life. Some phases are full of excitement, good times, and accomplishments. Some are based on contentment, with everything going steady and as planned. Other times, however, time goes by in a blur of little events that don't add up, as I live each day absent-mindedly, not really seeing a path before me.
The last of these is what I've found myself in as of late. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going or what will happen in the near future - everything feels as if it's up in the air. Judging from past experience, this usually leads to some sort of change. What this might be, I have no idea. I guess I will have to wait and see.

Have you ever had one person in your life that you just couldn't get along with? I have one of those. Thing is, he's a good friend of mine - I love spending time with him, he's a cool guy. But for some reason, we can never see eye to eye on anything, especially when it comes to personal issues and our opinions. It makes it difficult to be friends at all, because every time that we speak, we misunderstand each other and argue. Not just light arguing, either - dramatic arguing about issues that sit deeply with each of us. I want to keep him in my life, but I wish I could understand him better, and vise versa.

And as for the play I'm writing, I haven't made much progress. I mean, I have the basis for it, and even the characters to an extent. But, I have yet to create a conflict, or any dialogue. I don't understand why I'm so stuck on it. I really need to sit down and figure it out, but it all comes back to the craziness that is my life right now. I just haven't been in the head space to do it.

On a different note, my Aunt is flying in to town tomorrow. I haven't seen her in ages. Her and I have been close friends since I was born, and we've always been a lot alike. I'm excited to see her, and to show her everything that has been going on lately.

Anyways, I'm off.
Lots of love,
- Karebear

A bit or rambling.

I'm short.

I talk too much.

My hair never does what I want it to.

I was not blessed with the ideal body type.

I get pretty emotional at times.

And I come with a lot of baggage.

But I have nice eyes, I think.

I like to take care of people.

I like to go on adventures.

I'll never lie.

And I'll always listen.

If you can take me for everything I am, I'm yours.

I'm just pretty sure I havn't met you yet.

This is what living like this does.

I miss the sunshine.

I miss having all my friends around.

I miss the ocean.

I miss sanity.

"Don't you see!? We're actors — we're the opposite of people!"

- Tom Stoppard
Source: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead

I'm not yours, and you're not mine, but we can sit and pass the time.

I've had an awfully eventful weekend, but as much fun as it was, it's the realizations I've made about myself that have really made it memorable.

They say you learn from our mistakes. I believe that this is definitely the right way to learn. But, unfortunately, some people continue to touch the stove, continuing to get burned, and don't stop until the burn is bad enough to really make them think twice. I happen to be one of these people. Lucky for me, these "burns" come in quick succession, swiftly correcting my moral vision.

I've come to the decision that I am honestly happy being single. I'm about to really start my life - why would I want to get caught up in a relationship at this point? Yes, the feelings I have for that one person (lets call him Bob) are always weighing on my mind. But Bob is quite out of reach, especially right now, and I may as well enjoy our friendship the way it is, instead of stressing about "what if's". I'm quite excited about this year, and I'm not going to let my own insecurities spoil it.

The recent lack of braces isn't a bad ego boost, either. Perhaps tomorrow, I won't be quite as upbeat about things as I am right now, but I'm determined to find ways to keep this emotional high going. I want to take a painting class, I want to continue yoga, and I want to take every artistic opportunity the world decides to throw at me. I feel I've been ignoring myself a bit, as far as potential goes. Maybe I need to develop myself a bit more, intellectually speaking.


I had so much more to say, but suddenly I can't remember any of it...

This calls for a later blog.

Hasta luego.
- Karebear

"Either way, you better get your dick straightened out."

The title is a quote from the very awesome movie I saw today - Youth in Revolt =]

I saw it with Lauren, a good friend of mine, and it was excellent. Not only was I laughing the entire time, but it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside - the nerd got the girl!

Anyways, I got my audition script + song as of yesterday, and auditions are at the end of the month. I'm going to keep the mentality of the entire situation as light-hearted as possible, so that I don't get too nervous. I'm not really expecting to be granted a part, but I am planning to do my best anyways. When you go into it without expectations, then it's easier to concentrate on the fun of performance. Plus, it's good practice. =]

The expectations people sometimes put upon themselves are often so ridiculous, it's a wonder they don't drive themselves mad (actually, some people do). The focus on succeeding is so strong, that the benefits of failing are completely overlooked. I'm not saying that failing at achieving your goals is a positive thing, in any way. But live and learn, right? The lessons you accumulate when you make mistakes are often worth more than what you learn when you succeed. So, why do we put so much pressure on ourselves?

I can see the tension among the members of our cast, sinking in deeper as we get closer to audition week. It's sad to think that we will lose so many of them once the cast list goes up. Perhaps I shouldn't be allowed to judge. I've simply never been in the "win or go home" frame of mind, myself. There are so many people who would give their right arm to be a part of a cast the way we are, and put on a show the way we do. And yet, so many of these actors will walk away once their egos have been bruised, when they don't land the part they wanted. I'm sorry if I sound too harsh - I guess I can't get my head around it.

I completely understand what it's like to have your heart set on something. The prospect of a lead role is exciting - fully immersing yourself in a character that will be the center of attention for roughly two hours, in front of hundreds of people, on a stage set up specifically for your use. What part of that isn't longed for by every aspiring actor out there?

And when you don't get the part? When someone has judged your performance, your voice, your actions, your appearance - and they don't cast you? It can be a major blow to a persons' self-esteem.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I understand where these people are coming from - but I still believe that the results of auditions are completely in your own control, depending on your frame of mind. Which brings me back to why I'm going to keep these auditions in perspective, and not but too much pressure on myself. In the end, it's not something to get upset over. A show is a creation of many people working together, and being a part of the end product is your own choice.

Alright, that's enough of my actor-babble. On a side note, I've finally made some progress on my room - the cleanliness level has now gone from "post-battle zone" to "minor earthquake aftermath". Also, I'm going to a yoga class tomorrow morning, which will be lovely. Starbucks 3 times in one week can't possibly be a healthy thing, so an extra workout is exactly what I need.

Honorable Mention: Yesterday was Elvis's 75th birthday. Just saying.

Since I'm feeling quite loving today, I have a challenge for anyone who reads this (which probably won't be many, but I'll give it a shot). The challenge is, for tomorrow: to smile at every single person you pass. Not only will it brighten the day of a stranger, but it will boost your mood a bit, as well.

I'm off. Peace and love, all.

- Karebear

collisions and lemon trees.

This is not a thing I should be doing right now.
I need to be up in about 4 and a half hours for an appointment, and on top of that, I have rehearsal tomorrow evening. How I am I supposed to get through the day with almost no sleep?
It's really my own fault. I had a great day, and I never like a great day to end. Thus, I draw these things out longer than I should.
I guess I could sum up my day, just for something to do...
I went skating today for the first time in forever. Then I went on a few adventures, and had a great night with my family and friends.
Yes, my family and friends in the same room. That was entertainment all by itself.
Planet Earth is one of the craziest documentaries i have ever had the pleasure of viewing. I learned things I really didn't plan on learning about tonight.
Anyways, there is really no point to this entry - perhaps I needed it as a way to end the day for myself. I need to stop staying up so late.
- KareBear

lean on me.

Alright, so quite a bit has happened in the last 24 hours, but I'm not sure I want to revisit the details. Basically, I made a mistake, and so I had to fix it. Luckily the issue is now resolved, but it's going to take a little while before I'm fully okay with it.

Here's a funny little fact about me: I am a pushover. But only when it comes to certain things. I mean, I forgive people much to quickly - people who have hurt me, lied to me, or walked all over me. But does any of this really bother me? No. What really bothers me, in the end, is having somebody upset with me.

I know that this makes me the typical "caregiver". And really, I am. I don't know what made me like that. I'm not complaining, though - I am who I am, and I'm happy with it.

Gosh, I just hate it when people are upset.

I often admire people who can hold grudges. I mean, if those type of people are upset, the person who made them that way works hard to earn their forgiveness. However, people who know me may simply assume that they have my forgiveness already. And in all honesty, they probably do. Sometimes I think that I would get more respect if I learned to hold my ground a bit better - but I've never really been that way.

On a different note, the busiest month I can ever remember having has now started. Not that I'm complaining - much of it is the good kind of busy. But it will most definately be stressful.

The thought of being rejected from University weighs on my mind every day. It's a definite possibility. Not only are my classes quite mixed up at the moment, but my grades arn't the best, either. Time to step it up a bit, I think.

I remembered last night, that I'm supposed to be writing a short play (running time: about 15 minutes) for my best friend to direct in her theater class. No pressure, right? The problem is, I tend to be much too cliche when it comes to story telling. If anyone has any ideas for an issue that I could write about (perhaps one that isn't often brought on to the stage), please let me know.

Oh, and I'm going skating tomorrow! If you took one look at me, you would never even guess that I was once a figure skater. But it was once my love, before the arts took over my life.

This is actually a lie - I've always considered figure skating to be an art, itself. I mean, dancing on ice? Do you know how much skill that takes?

Well, trust me - it takes a lot of it.

Anyways, I'm quite excited for that. Some physical excersize to clear my mind would be lovely right about now.

- Karebear

it would be nice to start over again

It gets like a prison in the body I'm living in

Cause everyone's watching and quick to start talking

I'm losing my innocence

Wish I was a little girl without the weight of the world.

- Lights, "Pretend"

I just can't sleep.

Restlessness seems to lead to blogging.

So, I saw Avatar tonight, with some wonderful friends of mine. This movie absolutely blew my mind. No, it wasn't the most well written script. And no, the characters weren't perfectly developed. But all in all, I would give it an extremely high rating. It was entertaining, and the story was meaningful. The special effects were some of the best I've ever seen, personally. The whole thing was great =]

It was also wonderful to see my good friends; some that I haven't hung out with in far too long. I believe the statement "friends are the family you choose" to be completely truthful. The friends that I trust are part of my family, and when I'm away from them for long periods of time, it takes a toll on me. I don't think they even know how much they each mean to me. I think this is because I'm not sure I mean quite as much to them, so I don't show it very often. I know that thought is filled to the brim with self-pity; I just hold my friendships in such high regard that I doubt anyone else could possibly reach.. if that makes any sense whatsoever.

I'm the same way with all kinds of relationships. Perhaps I'm just overly sensitive, but I tend to be afraid of telling anyone how I actually feel about them. And even when I try, it comes out wrong, and I end up saying something completely different.

So far, I've been getting away with it. However, have you ever been in a situation where you feel you might burst if you don't let someone else know what's going on? I feel as if I'm getting to that point with one particular person in my life. The funny part is, there are many people that may read this and think it's about them, and instead, it's about the person who will think it's definately not about them. That sentence was probably grammatically incorrect, but I don't care - you get the point. It's so easy to tell each of my friends and family members that I love them, and to hug them and keep in touch with each of them. So why is telling someone that you're in love with them so much harder? It's just an extra little word, really. Funny how two little letters can make a statement so different.

And yes - I have come to the conlusion I'm in love with him. Who's him, you may ask? Well, you'll never know.

Want to know something else, though?

This secret of mine is never going to reach the surface. Because, not only would he not feel the same way, but there are so many things that would prevent it from working out. I know I sound like little miss negative right now, but there are just some things you know, deep down. Besides, I've got other things going on in my life right now - University coming up, theater to focus on, family, friends - even a date or two. Pining over an impossibility isn't going to help anything.

Okay, maybe I will tell him one day. But not any time soon.

On a completely different note, why hasnt anyone discovered the cure to procrastination yet? I'm waiting. I woke up early this morning to get all my homework done, and to pass in Supervisor forms for my exams. Did I get ANY of this done? Negative.

I did have a great day, though. So I won't complain too much.

Every night, my mother tells me to try to go to bed before 3 am. I'm barely going to make that deadline as it is. I'm off.

Love,

- KareBear

photos by yours truly

These are just a few of my favorites that I've taken during this past little bit. The first is of a rose I recieved from my best friend on my birthday. The second is a beautiful view in Victoria, BC. The third is just a picture of simplicity which I found endearing. And the last was taken in Invermere a couple summers back. Enjoy =]

oh dear.

love isn't something you plan for.

and i certainly didn't plan for you.

I can see a lot of life in you.

I woke up this morning (well, more like this afternoon), and realized that there are only 2 days left of Christmas break. There were so many things I needed to get done before I went back to school, and I still haven't accomplished any of it. If anyone happens to discover the cure to chronic procrastination, let me know.

I've been doing a lot of preperation for University this past week. It has made me feel incredibly old. Not the kind of old that you may initially think of, but just older than I thought I would ever actually become.

When you are young, and you think far into the future, it's hard to imagine actually being there anytime soon. I mean, right now, marriage seems like this crazy idea that I don't need to ponder anytime soon. But I once thought the exact same thing about applying to post-secondary. It was a right of passage that I would watch on Television, but never something that I would need to think about in the near future.

I was very, very wrong.

Time goes by fast. Have you ever been sitting outside in the summer, enjoying a conversation or some music, and then a plane flies right overhead? You're annoyed because the roaring overpowers everything around you, and you think it won't ever go away. Then suddenly the sound is gone, and you can hear again.

This is how quickly time goes by. You think it's taking forever, and then you blink.

So I here I am, safe and sound under the protection of my family, being taken care of at every turn. This comfort I have experienced my entire life is about to end, and it doesn't quite seem real. What if I can't do it? What if I let my family down? What if I end up right back where I started?

Or worse, what if I succeed? What if I am on my own from here on out, and I actually don't need anybody?

Now that is a scary thought.

Luckily, I'll be busy enough this month to be distracted from these thoughts. From diploma exams and doctors appointments to theater auditions and family gatherings, I won't have much time to dwell on what's coming. Even today, I'll be cleaning, and then hopefully seeing some good friends tonight, as well as the movie Avatar. I honestly have no idea what it's about, but it's said to be outstanding. I'm always up for a good movie.

Anyways, I should really start my day, since it's almost half over already.

Love,

- KareBear

This is how you leave me.

Photo by Simona Ghizzoni

A new decade?

Hello all, thanks for reading my first-ever blog. This is definitely one type of writing I enjoy - just jotting down whatever comes to mind. What's great about this whole blogging idea is that others are free to relate to or disagree with your personal thoughts that don't normally come up in day-to-day conversations. What a neat idea this is.
So, 2010, hey? A new year, a new decade. It seems like something pretty epic when put in those words. Most of you are probably making New Years' resolutions, which is great - no better time for self-improvement than the beginning of a year. Now is a time of reflection, of goal-setting, and exploration.
However, I have a few alternative thoughts on the matter.
Are New Years' resolutions really all that practical? I mean, I am in complete support for personal growth, but why do we put so much pressure on ourselves during this one particular time, to complete things that we've wanted to accomplish all year long anyways? Benjamin Franklin once said, "Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today". I am definitely no role model for following this advice, but even so, I believe Franklin had an excellent point. The pressure of a New Years' resolution is all in the title - it makes the deed so official that you feel incredible guilt at the end of the year, when you realize the task hasn't been completed. In my opinion, this self-implied pressure actually dooms the task for failure. Why do we do these things to ourselves?
I suggest a different path for those who want to improve during the coming year. Think about the things that are important to you, and think about the ways you could improve your life in regards to these things. Then, plan out little things - steps, if you will - that will point you in the direction of steady improvement. Without the label of "resolution", nothing is written in stone, and somehow it is easier to make changes.
Of course, this is just me.
Speaking now in a more positive light about resolutions, they may provide motivation to some individuals. Certain people work better under pressure, and if they are constantly being reminded of their New Years' resolution, perhaps they will be able to accomplish it.I'm simply not one of these people, that's all. If you are, that's excellent, and I wish you luck in achieving your goals. If you're more like me, than I hope my advice will assist you a bit this year.

Anyways, I think that's a pretty solid entry - for my first one, anyways. Thanks for reading, and hopefully, for continuing to read =]
Happy New Year!
- KareBear