Wow, it's been an incredibly long time since I've posted on here. I apologize for that - things have been crazy and my other blog is best for quick and random blogging. I like to put more thought into this one, which apparently I haven't had the time for. Oh well, I'm here now.

Life has been quite insane. Between intense family issues, education decisions and rocky living arrangements, I haven't had much breathing room. Lately, it's as if I'm making things more complicated for everyone around me, and not the other way around.

Right now I feel as if I'm on a balance beam, trying not to fall to either side. And the worst part of it is the stress it's causing for everyone watching me. I can't seem to stick to a decision or stay on any set path, and I know it can't be easy for others to see.

Usually, I convince myself that everything will be better once I move to Victoria, or once theater starts up again, or whatever else I think will distract me from the more difficult side of things. The problem lies in the realization that there are no quick fixes to the things I'm going through right now. Dealing with issues head-on is the only way to work them out, if only I could get myself to quit with the laziness.

I know that I'm not making much sense right now, but at least it's a bit of a window into where my mind is at. There ya go. I'm not even going to re-read what I just wrote, because then it won't be the raw rant that I mean it to be.

Mind over matter.

This is a strange time. I feel as if I am running behind, on a schedule that life has set out for me. There's so much I'm supposed to be doing, and I have barely taken a step forward, it seems. Perhaps I am selling myself short, but that doesn't change how left behind I'm feeling right now. Everyone I know is moving on to bigger and better things, while I am sitting in the same spot I was last year. It doesn't help, that people that I thought cared about me, don't care all that much after all. It's hard to stay positive when it feels as if the whole world has gotten bored of you, and left.

All that being said, it is an incredibly selfish way to look at things. I should be happy for the people in my life, and supporting them on the paths they are starting down. Don't get me wrong; I am those things. I simply wish I was doing the same, alongside them.

As for those previously mentioned who have seemed to stop caring, they are obviously not worth my thoughts. I know this. It's just easier said than done. Putting them out of my thoughts, I mean. After all, they were in there for a reason.

This is going on both my blogs.

Is 'surreality' a real word?

I’m not really sure how to put my feelings into words right now.

The end of this show marks way too many changes for me - changes that, up until now, I have avoided facing. That is going to change, starting now.

Why should I be sad? Yes, life is incredibly stressful right now. Yes, it’s scary, and everything is coming towards me way too fast. But there isn’t a reason why I can’t be happy in the face of it all.

I learned that today. I learned that there is nothing to gain from dwelling, nothing to gain from complaining, and nothing to lose by being happy. Don’t get me wrong - being sad is something we all need once in a while. It’s a part of life. It only becomes a problem when being sad is all you really know.

People I care about are going their separate ways. My life is changing rapidly. I could either mourn the way things used to be, or I could embrace the things that will come. I need to have faith that I’m strong enough to take it.

So, I plan to take everything in stride, keeping myself grounded. I want to tell everyone how much I care about them as often as possible. And I want to change the effect I have on my own life, as well as everyone else’s, in the most positive way.

This all sounds incredibly idealistic, and I’m aware of this fact. It’s just that I know I am better than the way I am thinking and acting right now. If I can change my attitude for the better, who knows what else I can do?

Wow. It's been a while.

I feel almost guilty, having two separate blogs, but I feel there is some sort of purpose for them. I'm not quite sure what that is, but it'll sort itself out eventually.

Do you ever find yourself wondering what the world would do if you simply refused to comply to it's demands anymore? I found myself wondering that today. What if I were to throw away my cell phone, pack all my things into my car, and simply drive off? What would happen if I were to abandon my job, my community, my responsibilities, and leave everything behind?

And what would I do after that?

Most people would find this idea quite difficult to imagine. The thing is, our world is so enthralled in our own social norms that we don't stop to question whether or not they are natural.

So, question. What does 'true freedom' mean to you?

On the other hand, if we were all to pick up and leave on account of our own selfish whims, the world would be in a sad state. I guess my thoughts are all stemming from the stress of everyday life in modernized North America. It can become quite unbearable at times, especially to those of us who can't quite get used to this kind of life.

You take what you get, and do with it what you can.

Time is making fools of us again.

Here I am, ill again, and in my final week of living at home. It seems almost ironic that I'm sitting here in bed, my mother bringing me chicken noodle soup, when I'm supposedly embarking on the first stretch of my independence. Funny, how I've spent most of my life thinking that I didn't need my parents, and just as I finally have the opportunity to prove it, I realize how much I do need them. I need them very much.

I can't let this turn of events sway me, though; no matter how much I would rather curl up in bed and have my mother tuck me in every night. I believe that reality checks come into play at the most opportune moments, and all this is is a reminder that I'm always going to need my family. Maybe I can take care of myself now, and maybe I'm mature and smart enough to start out on my own. But that doesn't mean I'm all grown up just yet.

Besides, I'm never going to be ready for the real world by sitting around and waiting. It doesn't work that way.

So, hey there, world.

Ready or not, here I come.

City sounds.

I got out of my car late tonight, and listened.

I could hear the awful sounds of sirens, engines, squealing tires - the usual rushing noise of city life. At first, I thought about how much I can't stand the sounds. So industrial and human-polluted; almost numbing.

But then I reconsidered. Those noises? They represent life. People driving to see their friends and families. People building careers. People saving lives. Lives ending, lives beginning.

I always say how much I can't stand the city. But, really, a city is just a crowd of life, gathering in one spot. Despite the pollution, the concrete, and the fences, I could never truly hate a place like that.

19 days.

Graduation is coming up.

I'm not sure if I've ever experienced a feeling as strange as this one.

There's been so many things happening recently, that I haven't stopped to appreciate the huge milestone that I am about to come to in my life. It's bittersweet to consider how these years of schooling have been leading up to this monumental day.

Many other things seem to be coming together as of late, too. Things that seem to have been set into motion long before I was ever aware of them. The people in my life, for example; the friendships I have made in the past year and a bit have formed the person that I am now. The people I surround myself with are my family, and I'm so proud to be able to say that.

Do you ever have the sensation that a certain person was simply meant to be in your life? Do you feel as if you've known them for years, even though you only met them recently? I seem to come across this feeling an awful lot, lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly happy to be meeting these people. It's simply such a peculiar feeling, to feel so close to a person you barely know. Yet, it feels right. I guess only time can answer the questions that form from these situations.

It's been harder to write recently, since I've been so busy. I will try my best to update more regularly from now on, because these next few months are going to be filled with craziness that will need to be read.

All my love and happy vibes,

KareBear

Decisions, Decisions.

Today, I found myself mulling over the many possibilities there are for my immediate future. There have been many bumps in the road, and it seems as if I can never make a concrete decision. But in all reality, how is a person supposed to decide what is going to make them happy months from now? Personally, my mind changes on a day-to-day basis. I don't understand how everyone expects a young lady of my caliber to decide on anything at all. Making up my mind is not one of my strong suits.

My point is, I'm quite worried that I'm going to make the wrong decision for myself. Which is strange, because I've been waiting to make decisions for myself for years. And now I suddenly have all the freedom in the world to make choices for myself. Unfortunately, this freedom also comes with the responsibility to make the right decisions.

I think that things will pan out in the end, so I guess I just have to decide the best I can. I know that I think too much, but at the rate these situations are flying at me, there isn't that much time to think.

making restrictions into opportunities.

Lately, I've been sulking over the fact that I will never be able to travel to hot locations, the way I've always wanted to. This is due to my habit of becoming ill whenever I find myself in a place too close to the equator. I really don't mean to - perhaps it's my asthma, or perhaps my body is just too used to Canada's climate. Either way, I need to come to terms with the idea that hot, humid destinations may not be included in my future.

Part of the reason this is disappointing to me, is because traveling is something I feel I've been placed on this earth to do. I'm not quite sure why, but I feel as if I can never do any good in a world that I know nothing about. Traveling is the only way to gain any true knowledge of one's own environment.

Lucky for me, I am not confined to Canada alone. Europe seems to be a hospitable place for my body to be. I think that I will make European destinations my main focus for the next few years of my life. Again, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to accomplish by traipsing around unknown territory, but I won't know until I actually do it, will I?

A free night, with nothing to do in the morning, and yet here I sit. No one around, no party invites, no exciting shenanigans to be had. Even my younger sister has a 'date'. As it turns out, being ill for weeks on end really puts you on the outskirts of any kind of social life. Therefore, there isn't much left to do but write.

It feels as if everyone and everything has changed in my absence. People that were once friends are suddenly not friends anymore. New couples are everywhere. Friends of mine are encountering struggles that I knew nothing about, and others are moving on with their lives in ways I never would have expected. And, among all the changing and confusion, I seem to have been left behind.

I'm not meaning to be bitter towards anyone, please do not take this the wrong way. I simply feel as if I've missed out on the lives of everyone around me, and I am no longer included in this new world that seems to have been formed. Conforming to this new place may prove to be difficult - much like it is tonight.

"Nothing gold can stay."

When things change in a way that you never expected them to, sometimes there are no words.

Sometimes you just have to keep moving, in silence, and wait for it to sink in.

After all, nothing lasts forever.

I'm not ready to make nice.

A good friend once told me, that people will always look out for their best interests first. I didn't want to believe him.

I wanted to believe that everyone was fair-minded. I wanted to think that everyone always does the right thing in the end, and that being a good person wasn't a lost art.

Now, I still believe that people, generally speaking, are good. When it comes down to it, at least. However, I also have come to learn that my friend was right. In most circumstances, a person will look out for themselves before they think about anybody else. This is understandable when it comes to things like plane crashes or track racing. But there are so many other situations in which we have the opportunity to exercise courtesy and kindness. How many of us actually choose to do so?

And what about when it comes to your friends, or your family?

I've really begun to learn to place my trust in others carefully. People are not always going to do right by you, and that's just the awful truth. However, the ones that do come through when it matters most, are the ones worth keeping around. They are the ones to put your trust in, and they are the ones to go out of your way for.

Friendship and love are two-way streets. Don't put your trust into a person who doesn't value it.

Of course, this is all advice that I wish I had given myself at an earlier time. Take from it what you will.

peace&love,

KareBear

dealing.

There is nothing quite like reading a good book. It doesn't have to be an epic tale, written by an award-winning author - 2000 pages of grammatical perfection. It simply has to evoke thought, take you away from everyday life, and make you want to read more. Have you ever known that feeling, when you're completely wrapped up in a book, and then you set it down? You feel a bit dazed, and the obvious facts of reality keep melting in with the fictional details of the story. For a few minutes, things in your own life seem completely distant, and it takes some time to feel the earth beneath your feet again.

I had gone without this feeling for quite some time, now. I'm not sure why I quit reading on a regular basis. Ah well, there's nothing like an illness that binds you to your bed to make you start reading. I finally picked up a novel today. It isn't a well-written one, by any stretch of the imagination. It was just an old teen novel from the 90's, and it was enough to keep me entertained. I flew through it, and I've already reached page 281. I honestly believe that my brain itself missed reading.

I'm slowly getting better. I don't care to recount the details of my illness, but it's easy to guess that it wasn't enjoyable. I'm still quite weak, but I'm getting through. Certain friends, and my family, have been a huge part in helping me recover. I don't know what I would do without them.

Unfortunately, being at home in bed means no rehearsing. As a die-hard drama geek, this has been painful for me. I hate hearing about what I'm missing. I hate NOT hearing what I'm missing. I simply hate missing anything at all. I know it's for the good of my body, but my spirit has definitely drawn the short end of the stick.

I suppose the only thing I have to look forward to right now is recovery. Any and all other events have to be thought of afterwards. It's hard - but I'm thankful it wasn't worse. It could have been. It almost was.

I'm going to try to write more often than this.

Lots of love,

KareBear

I'm miles from where you are.

I have been on this island in the Caribbean for 3 nights now. In all reality, it's the perfect tropical vacation - a small island with a rich culture, hot weather, warm, blue waters, and friendly locals. However, when you have the flu, the beautiful scenery is not enough to distract from the fact that you cannot get out of bed.

The few times I have gotten to explore the island, however, I experienced some great things. I was able to view both the Atlantic Ocean and the Caribbean Sea from up high. I witnessed a ship from the Pirates of the Caribbean movie sailing past as my family and I enjoyed a meal on the beach. I was even able to survive the drivers that behave like maniacs on the opposite side of the road.

I think the best thing that I've seen since I've been here, has got to be the appreciation that the local people have for their land. Although many of them are in poverty, and have no place to store garbage or to enjoy many of our own conveniences, they still appreciate the beauty of their home.

As my sister and i were on the patio, enjoying the sun setting over the water, I noticed many young locals all gathered on the short, stone fence, watching the sunset along with us. They were carrying backpacks; some wearing uniforms, and had apparently all climbed into a vehicle after school to be able to witness the scene. Even though they could see this at any moment in time, they still made an effort to enjoy it whenever they could.

All I could think of when I saw this, was how much I wanted to go on a road trip in my own country once I returned. There is so much of my own backyard that I haven't seen, and don't often appreciate. Being here makes me wonder what they think of us - lazy, over-privileged foreigners? Or do they see us as intriguing, and fortunate for the things we take for granted on a regular basis?

Unfortunately, because of the sickness that strikes me whenever I find myself in a hot destination, I will probably not be coming back to a place like this for a very long time. Therefore, I started thinking of ways that I could make positive changes within my own country, in light of my own realizations.

We, the youth, have more power than we know. Back home, I mean. So why aren't we making efforts to do things that are meaningful to us? Whether it's helping out the homeless, sending aid to third world countries, caring about nature or funding for art programs within the community. Whatever you're passionate about, it's important that we exercise the power that we are so fortunate to hold in our hands.

I'm not sure how this turned into a youth activist spiel, but there you go.

Anyways, I have not been paying enough attention to the Oscars. Goodnight to all.

Peace&love

KareBear

"Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that. But the really great make you feel that you too, can become great." - Mark Twain

I'm so fortunate that I have found friends that I can call family. Each of you are unique, awesome individuals and I wouldn't trade this past year for anything. I'm confident that this year will be just as amazing, and will bring about just as many new friendships. I love you all more than words could ever express.

Love,

KareBear

And all of what I feel, I could show you.

Nothing compares to the silence that envelops a neighborhood, after snow has fallen in the middle of the night. The calm that sets in is a kind that rarely meets the city. All is quiet and, all of a sudden, you are reminded that you are a part of so much more than a city. It is a humbling feeling, making you aware that you're a part of the Earth - nothing more, and nothing less.

Now, imagine this. As you come to these realizations, and are taking them all in, the power in all the houses around you is eliminated. Everything is dark, and suddenly the night sky is so much brighter than before. If possible, the world is even quieter now.

There is no real way to describe the thoughts that ran through my mind when this happened to me tonight. It's simply the most comforting, but terrifying feeling that I've encountered in a long time.

- KareBear

I admit I miss seeing your face, babe.

So, I'm not going to pretend as if my constantly-repeated mistakes aren't taking their toll on me. A person can only be numb for so long, before the smothered feelings begin to finally come up for air. Although I'm practiced in letting the past fade behind me, the scars themselves are becoming difficult to deal with. The problem is that I'm not entirely certain how to deal with them at all. I'm terrified that, if I don't do it the right way, I'll keep hurting others, just like I've been hurt.

I honestly don't know what I need right now.

- KareBear

There is no peace that I've found so far.

in⋅de⋅pend⋅ence: freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.

My whole life, I've thought myself to be an independent person. As it turns out, I had no idea what that actually entailed. Pretty soon, I'll be on my own in more ways than ever before. Of course, I will have friends and family close by. But, for the first time in my life, I'll be taking care of myself. I'm terrified and yet, incredibly excited. One foot is eager to get out of the door, and the other is dragging itself along. I guess we'll have to see how I cope.

Tell me, what makes you think that I will be putting effort into this, if you barely make an effort yourself? You'll quickly learn that the "two-way street" is my favorite kind of street. If you aren't willing to walk it with me, than perhaps we should be taking separate roads (how's that for an analogy?). The bottom line is that I want someone who wants me. I'm finally learning not to settle for anything less.

On a completely different note, today is one of my best friends' birthday. He is officially an adult, as of today. I hope he knows how awesome he is, and that he deserves the best year imaginable. So, dear friend, if you are reading this, Happy Birthday, and I'm so glad you're in my life =] Love you!

- Karebear

While drunken men find flaws in science.

Do you ever get to a point where thinking becomes something that you'd just rather stay away from completely? It's not that anything particularly bad has happened, it's simply that life's tangled web has become a bit too complicated to follow, and the mind requires a break.

In all reality, I have nothing to complain about. It's just that I can't get my mind around how quickly everything is shifting and changing, and time just won't allow for pauses. With all the planning that we do for the future, we end up completely ignoring the present. Then, we look back and wonder where the time went, when we could have done something about it if we'd only paid attention. It's such a horrible trick that life plays on us; the fact that focusing on building a life is exactly what makes us miss the joy of living it.

I know I'm reading way too far into things for the situation I'm in, but I needed to vent, I guess. I'm just so frustrated with trying to plan out where my life is going, when I'd rather just hop into a car and figure it out on the way.

Unfortunately, America has shaped our lives into what it believes it should be. And - for now, anyways - that's just something I've got to deal with.

There are so many complications and details that tie into that statement, but I'm not going to get into those right now. Just food for thought.

peace&love.

- Karebear

"It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live."

So, life is incredibly unpredictable. The moment I decide that things will be a certain way, something changes and it becomes the complete opposite. I could try to stick to my plan, and attempt to exercise some control over my life. Or, I could go with the belief that I'll only regret the things I didn't do, and therefore go with the flow. Honestly, I'm not sure which way to go with this one.

But I've never been one to let a good thing pass me by.

Set me down in your warm arms.

I finished my first play at about 3:30 this morning. I'm not sure how good it actually is - it has some cheesy comedy, and it's a bit cliché. Still, I think it will do for a high school production. It gives the actors quite a bit of freedom to experiment with their character, which is what high school productions are really about. Learning about acting, I mean. I'm a bit nervous to have other people read my work, simply because I have a complex about being good enough. I think everyone does.

On a very different note, I had some crazy nightmares last night. By the end of it, two close friends of mine had been killed, in horrible ways. The part about them dying wasn't even the worst bit - it was telling my other friends the news. I woke up shaking and in tears, and had to go online to make sure that everyone was okay. The subconscious can do crazy things to a person.

These next couple of weeks are going to be a bit nuts. Auditions, exams, appointments, etc. continue to add themselves to my calender. I'm still exhausted from last week, and I wish I could pause time for a couple days.

Anyways, I guess I should get started.

- Karebear

One foggy night.

The heavy smog

Smothers the city like a blanket.

Memories of times passed

Hidden beneath its layers.

All I've known

Behind curtains of grey

Tonight, just waiting for me

To unveil forgotten meaning.

The mist, it sinks

Lower into the streets and alleys

Crafting a sense of secrecy

In a place we thought we knew.

Many mysteries

This town has kept concealed

It's greatest of all, by far

Was you.

- Karebear

Thanks to Andrea for finding this picture!

With a little help from my friends.

Some people are just naturally awesome. I am lucky enough to be friends with many of these people. These past two nights have reminded me that I'm not alone in the world, the way my self-pity sometimes leads me to believe. Whether it's a quiet night in or a crazy night out, these people make you feel at home wherever you are.
You guys know who you are.
I love you all more than words can say!

Some random thoughts.

I seem to have phases in my life. Some phases are full of excitement, good times, and accomplishments. Some are based on contentment, with everything going steady and as planned. Other times, however, time goes by in a blur of little events that don't add up, as I live each day absent-mindedly, not really seeing a path before me.
The last of these is what I've found myself in as of late. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going or what will happen in the near future - everything feels as if it's up in the air. Judging from past experience, this usually leads to some sort of change. What this might be, I have no idea. I guess I will have to wait and see.

Have you ever had one person in your life that you just couldn't get along with? I have one of those. Thing is, he's a good friend of mine - I love spending time with him, he's a cool guy. But for some reason, we can never see eye to eye on anything, especially when it comes to personal issues and our opinions. It makes it difficult to be friends at all, because every time that we speak, we misunderstand each other and argue. Not just light arguing, either - dramatic arguing about issues that sit deeply with each of us. I want to keep him in my life, but I wish I could understand him better, and vise versa.

And as for the play I'm writing, I haven't made much progress. I mean, I have the basis for it, and even the characters to an extent. But, I have yet to create a conflict, or any dialogue. I don't understand why I'm so stuck on it. I really need to sit down and figure it out, but it all comes back to the craziness that is my life right now. I just haven't been in the head space to do it.

On a different note, my Aunt is flying in to town tomorrow. I haven't seen her in ages. Her and I have been close friends since I was born, and we've always been a lot alike. I'm excited to see her, and to show her everything that has been going on lately.

Anyways, I'm off.
Lots of love,
- Karebear

A bit or rambling.

I'm short.

I talk too much.

My hair never does what I want it to.

I was not blessed with the ideal body type.

I get pretty emotional at times.

And I come with a lot of baggage.

But I have nice eyes, I think.

I like to take care of people.

I like to go on adventures.

I'll never lie.

And I'll always listen.

If you can take me for everything I am, I'm yours.

I'm just pretty sure I havn't met you yet.

This is what living like this does.

I miss the sunshine.

I miss having all my friends around.

I miss the ocean.

I miss sanity.

"Don't you see!? We're actors — we're the opposite of people!"

- Tom Stoppard
Source: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead

I'm not yours, and you're not mine, but we can sit and pass the time.

I've had an awfully eventful weekend, but as much fun as it was, it's the realizations I've made about myself that have really made it memorable.

They say you learn from our mistakes. I believe that this is definitely the right way to learn. But, unfortunately, some people continue to touch the stove, continuing to get burned, and don't stop until the burn is bad enough to really make them think twice. I happen to be one of these people. Lucky for me, these "burns" come in quick succession, swiftly correcting my moral vision.

I've come to the decision that I am honestly happy being single. I'm about to really start my life - why would I want to get caught up in a relationship at this point? Yes, the feelings I have for that one person (lets call him Bob) are always weighing on my mind. But Bob is quite out of reach, especially right now, and I may as well enjoy our friendship the way it is, instead of stressing about "what if's". I'm quite excited about this year, and I'm not going to let my own insecurities spoil it.

The recent lack of braces isn't a bad ego boost, either. Perhaps tomorrow, I won't be quite as upbeat about things as I am right now, but I'm determined to find ways to keep this emotional high going. I want to take a painting class, I want to continue yoga, and I want to take every artistic opportunity the world decides to throw at me. I feel I've been ignoring myself a bit, as far as potential goes. Maybe I need to develop myself a bit more, intellectually speaking.


I had so much more to say, but suddenly I can't remember any of it...

This calls for a later blog.

Hasta luego.
- Karebear

"Either way, you better get your dick straightened out."

The title is a quote from the very awesome movie I saw today - Youth in Revolt =]

I saw it with Lauren, a good friend of mine, and it was excellent. Not only was I laughing the entire time, but it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside - the nerd got the girl!

Anyways, I got my audition script + song as of yesterday, and auditions are at the end of the month. I'm going to keep the mentality of the entire situation as light-hearted as possible, so that I don't get too nervous. I'm not really expecting to be granted a part, but I am planning to do my best anyways. When you go into it without expectations, then it's easier to concentrate on the fun of performance. Plus, it's good practice. =]

The expectations people sometimes put upon themselves are often so ridiculous, it's a wonder they don't drive themselves mad (actually, some people do). The focus on succeeding is so strong, that the benefits of failing are completely overlooked. I'm not saying that failing at achieving your goals is a positive thing, in any way. But live and learn, right? The lessons you accumulate when you make mistakes are often worth more than what you learn when you succeed. So, why do we put so much pressure on ourselves?

I can see the tension among the members of our cast, sinking in deeper as we get closer to audition week. It's sad to think that we will lose so many of them once the cast list goes up. Perhaps I shouldn't be allowed to judge. I've simply never been in the "win or go home" frame of mind, myself. There are so many people who would give their right arm to be a part of a cast the way we are, and put on a show the way we do. And yet, so many of these actors will walk away once their egos have been bruised, when they don't land the part they wanted. I'm sorry if I sound too harsh - I guess I can't get my head around it.

I completely understand what it's like to have your heart set on something. The prospect of a lead role is exciting - fully immersing yourself in a character that will be the center of attention for roughly two hours, in front of hundreds of people, on a stage set up specifically for your use. What part of that isn't longed for by every aspiring actor out there?

And when you don't get the part? When someone has judged your performance, your voice, your actions, your appearance - and they don't cast you? It can be a major blow to a persons' self-esteem.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I understand where these people are coming from - but I still believe that the results of auditions are completely in your own control, depending on your frame of mind. Which brings me back to why I'm going to keep these auditions in perspective, and not but too much pressure on myself. In the end, it's not something to get upset over. A show is a creation of many people working together, and being a part of the end product is your own choice.

Alright, that's enough of my actor-babble. On a side note, I've finally made some progress on my room - the cleanliness level has now gone from "post-battle zone" to "minor earthquake aftermath". Also, I'm going to a yoga class tomorrow morning, which will be lovely. Starbucks 3 times in one week can't possibly be a healthy thing, so an extra workout is exactly what I need.

Honorable Mention: Yesterday was Elvis's 75th birthday. Just saying.

Since I'm feeling quite loving today, I have a challenge for anyone who reads this (which probably won't be many, but I'll give it a shot). The challenge is, for tomorrow: to smile at every single person you pass. Not only will it brighten the day of a stranger, but it will boost your mood a bit, as well.

I'm off. Peace and love, all.

- Karebear

collisions and lemon trees.

This is not a thing I should be doing right now.
I need to be up in about 4 and a half hours for an appointment, and on top of that, I have rehearsal tomorrow evening. How I am I supposed to get through the day with almost no sleep?
It's really my own fault. I had a great day, and I never like a great day to end. Thus, I draw these things out longer than I should.
I guess I could sum up my day, just for something to do...
I went skating today for the first time in forever. Then I went on a few adventures, and had a great night with my family and friends.
Yes, my family and friends in the same room. That was entertainment all by itself.
Planet Earth is one of the craziest documentaries i have ever had the pleasure of viewing. I learned things I really didn't plan on learning about tonight.
Anyways, there is really no point to this entry - perhaps I needed it as a way to end the day for myself. I need to stop staying up so late.
- KareBear

lean on me.

Alright, so quite a bit has happened in the last 24 hours, but I'm not sure I want to revisit the details. Basically, I made a mistake, and so I had to fix it. Luckily the issue is now resolved, but it's going to take a little while before I'm fully okay with it.

Here's a funny little fact about me: I am a pushover. But only when it comes to certain things. I mean, I forgive people much to quickly - people who have hurt me, lied to me, or walked all over me. But does any of this really bother me? No. What really bothers me, in the end, is having somebody upset with me.

I know that this makes me the typical "caregiver". And really, I am. I don't know what made me like that. I'm not complaining, though - I am who I am, and I'm happy with it.

Gosh, I just hate it when people are upset.

I often admire people who can hold grudges. I mean, if those type of people are upset, the person who made them that way works hard to earn their forgiveness. However, people who know me may simply assume that they have my forgiveness already. And in all honesty, they probably do. Sometimes I think that I would get more respect if I learned to hold my ground a bit better - but I've never really been that way.

On a different note, the busiest month I can ever remember having has now started. Not that I'm complaining - much of it is the good kind of busy. But it will most definately be stressful.

The thought of being rejected from University weighs on my mind every day. It's a definite possibility. Not only are my classes quite mixed up at the moment, but my grades arn't the best, either. Time to step it up a bit, I think.

I remembered last night, that I'm supposed to be writing a short play (running time: about 15 minutes) for my best friend to direct in her theater class. No pressure, right? The problem is, I tend to be much too cliche when it comes to story telling. If anyone has any ideas for an issue that I could write about (perhaps one that isn't often brought on to the stage), please let me know.

Oh, and I'm going skating tomorrow! If you took one look at me, you would never even guess that I was once a figure skater. But it was once my love, before the arts took over my life.

This is actually a lie - I've always considered figure skating to be an art, itself. I mean, dancing on ice? Do you know how much skill that takes?

Well, trust me - it takes a lot of it.

Anyways, I'm quite excited for that. Some physical excersize to clear my mind would be lovely right about now.

- Karebear

it would be nice to start over again

It gets like a prison in the body I'm living in

Cause everyone's watching and quick to start talking

I'm losing my innocence

Wish I was a little girl without the weight of the world.

- Lights, "Pretend"

I just can't sleep.

Restlessness seems to lead to blogging.

So, I saw Avatar tonight, with some wonderful friends of mine. This movie absolutely blew my mind. No, it wasn't the most well written script. And no, the characters weren't perfectly developed. But all in all, I would give it an extremely high rating. It was entertaining, and the story was meaningful. The special effects were some of the best I've ever seen, personally. The whole thing was great =]

It was also wonderful to see my good friends; some that I haven't hung out with in far too long. I believe the statement "friends are the family you choose" to be completely truthful. The friends that I trust are part of my family, and when I'm away from them for long periods of time, it takes a toll on me. I don't think they even know how much they each mean to me. I think this is because I'm not sure I mean quite as much to them, so I don't show it very often. I know that thought is filled to the brim with self-pity; I just hold my friendships in such high regard that I doubt anyone else could possibly reach.. if that makes any sense whatsoever.

I'm the same way with all kinds of relationships. Perhaps I'm just overly sensitive, but I tend to be afraid of telling anyone how I actually feel about them. And even when I try, it comes out wrong, and I end up saying something completely different.

So far, I've been getting away with it. However, have you ever been in a situation where you feel you might burst if you don't let someone else know what's going on? I feel as if I'm getting to that point with one particular person in my life. The funny part is, there are many people that may read this and think it's about them, and instead, it's about the person who will think it's definately not about them. That sentence was probably grammatically incorrect, but I don't care - you get the point. It's so easy to tell each of my friends and family members that I love them, and to hug them and keep in touch with each of them. So why is telling someone that you're in love with them so much harder? It's just an extra little word, really. Funny how two little letters can make a statement so different.

And yes - I have come to the conlusion I'm in love with him. Who's him, you may ask? Well, you'll never know.

Want to know something else, though?

This secret of mine is never going to reach the surface. Because, not only would he not feel the same way, but there are so many things that would prevent it from working out. I know I sound like little miss negative right now, but there are just some things you know, deep down. Besides, I've got other things going on in my life right now - University coming up, theater to focus on, family, friends - even a date or two. Pining over an impossibility isn't going to help anything.

Okay, maybe I will tell him one day. But not any time soon.

On a completely different note, why hasnt anyone discovered the cure to procrastination yet? I'm waiting. I woke up early this morning to get all my homework done, and to pass in Supervisor forms for my exams. Did I get ANY of this done? Negative.

I did have a great day, though. So I won't complain too much.

Every night, my mother tells me to try to go to bed before 3 am. I'm barely going to make that deadline as it is. I'm off.

Love,

- KareBear

photos by yours truly

These are just a few of my favorites that I've taken during this past little bit. The first is of a rose I recieved from my best friend on my birthday. The second is a beautiful view in Victoria, BC. The third is just a picture of simplicity which I found endearing. And the last was taken in Invermere a couple summers back. Enjoy =]

oh dear.

love isn't something you plan for.

and i certainly didn't plan for you.

I can see a lot of life in you.

I woke up this morning (well, more like this afternoon), and realized that there are only 2 days left of Christmas break. There were so many things I needed to get done before I went back to school, and I still haven't accomplished any of it. If anyone happens to discover the cure to chronic procrastination, let me know.

I've been doing a lot of preperation for University this past week. It has made me feel incredibly old. Not the kind of old that you may initially think of, but just older than I thought I would ever actually become.

When you are young, and you think far into the future, it's hard to imagine actually being there anytime soon. I mean, right now, marriage seems like this crazy idea that I don't need to ponder anytime soon. But I once thought the exact same thing about applying to post-secondary. It was a right of passage that I would watch on Television, but never something that I would need to think about in the near future.

I was very, very wrong.

Time goes by fast. Have you ever been sitting outside in the summer, enjoying a conversation or some music, and then a plane flies right overhead? You're annoyed because the roaring overpowers everything around you, and you think it won't ever go away. Then suddenly the sound is gone, and you can hear again.

This is how quickly time goes by. You think it's taking forever, and then you blink.

So I here I am, safe and sound under the protection of my family, being taken care of at every turn. This comfort I have experienced my entire life is about to end, and it doesn't quite seem real. What if I can't do it? What if I let my family down? What if I end up right back where I started?

Or worse, what if I succeed? What if I am on my own from here on out, and I actually don't need anybody?

Now that is a scary thought.

Luckily, I'll be busy enough this month to be distracted from these thoughts. From diploma exams and doctors appointments to theater auditions and family gatherings, I won't have much time to dwell on what's coming. Even today, I'll be cleaning, and then hopefully seeing some good friends tonight, as well as the movie Avatar. I honestly have no idea what it's about, but it's said to be outstanding. I'm always up for a good movie.

Anyways, I should really start my day, since it's almost half over already.

Love,

- KareBear

This is how you leave me.

Photo by Simona Ghizzoni

A new decade?

Hello all, thanks for reading my first-ever blog. This is definitely one type of writing I enjoy - just jotting down whatever comes to mind. What's great about this whole blogging idea is that others are free to relate to or disagree with your personal thoughts that don't normally come up in day-to-day conversations. What a neat idea this is.
So, 2010, hey? A new year, a new decade. It seems like something pretty epic when put in those words. Most of you are probably making New Years' resolutions, which is great - no better time for self-improvement than the beginning of a year. Now is a time of reflection, of goal-setting, and exploration.
However, I have a few alternative thoughts on the matter.
Are New Years' resolutions really all that practical? I mean, I am in complete support for personal growth, but why do we put so much pressure on ourselves during this one particular time, to complete things that we've wanted to accomplish all year long anyways? Benjamin Franklin once said, "Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today". I am definitely no role model for following this advice, but even so, I believe Franklin had an excellent point. The pressure of a New Years' resolution is all in the title - it makes the deed so official that you feel incredible guilt at the end of the year, when you realize the task hasn't been completed. In my opinion, this self-implied pressure actually dooms the task for failure. Why do we do these things to ourselves?
I suggest a different path for those who want to improve during the coming year. Think about the things that are important to you, and think about the ways you could improve your life in regards to these things. Then, plan out little things - steps, if you will - that will point you in the direction of steady improvement. Without the label of "resolution", nothing is written in stone, and somehow it is easier to make changes.
Of course, this is just me.
Speaking now in a more positive light about resolutions, they may provide motivation to some individuals. Certain people work better under pressure, and if they are constantly being reminded of their New Years' resolution, perhaps they will be able to accomplish it.I'm simply not one of these people, that's all. If you are, that's excellent, and I wish you luck in achieving your goals. If you're more like me, than I hope my advice will assist you a bit this year.

Anyways, I think that's a pretty solid entry - for my first one, anyways. Thanks for reading, and hopefully, for continuing to read =]
Happy New Year!
- KareBear